A typology of men who date trans women

Most trans women are lesbians, or bisexual. I don't think any studies have been done on this but I feel very confident that this is true. There certainly are plenty of trans women who date men, but it seems that far more trans women primarily or exclusively date women. There is nothing wrong with this. It simply means that straight trans women like me are a minority voice in our community and our experiences are underrepresented.¹

I have written before about how I, unfairly, tried very hard to be a lesbian. Dating men is just quite dire when you're a trans woman. Other trans women hate you for it, and then you go to men and you find it hard to justify your attraction. Personally, I find men so incredibly attractive and like a lot of stuff about men, but the heterosexual dating scene for trans women is bleak.

Most straight men are not interested in trans women. There are a few very specific recurring archetypes of men who date trans women that appear again and again. I have decided to make a typology of these archetypes. These archetypes tend to overlap. I have never met a straight man who dates trans women who has not fallen into one of these archetypes. I would like to be proven wrong someday.

The Chaser Classique

The classic tranny chaser is the most notorious of men who pursue trans women. This archetype has acquired a bit of a mythical quality in our community. Dangerous creeps who one must vigilantly watch out for. The classic chaser has a fetish for trans women. He specifically is turned on by how trans women are "wrong." He desires pre-op and non-op trans women specifically. He usually wants to bottom, because he finds it dirty and humiliating. His desire is intertwined with disgust.

I once hooked up with a man who thought I was a cis woman, but I did not know that he thought I was cis, and I was pre-op at the time. When he discovered that I'm trans, in the middle of hooking up, he had some sort of chaser metamorphosis and became obsessed with that moment. He stalked me online for about two years obsessed with this new fetish for being "tricked" into sleeping with a trans woman. He did not see me as a real person, but a fetish object for his sexual fantasy which was inherently degrading at its root. The "trap fantasy" involved not just being "tricked," but then enacting violence upon the trans body in response. It was terrifying and made me feel so gross and subhuman. He was polyamorous with a non-binary spouse. I thought he knew I was trans when we hooked up. It was so scary and awful.

Older trans women always warn younger trans women to watch out for these chasers. They might murder us, and they certainly don't make us feel good about ourselves. They stalk us online and collect our selfies to masturbate. Steer clear.

The Chaser Nouveau

There is a new kind of chaser on the prowl. The classic chaser does not quite see trans women as real. We are more like a type of cryptid or rare animal to them, purely sexual fantasies, but not real girls who you could date and have a relationship with. The classic chaser's attraction is rooted in the conservative taboo.

The new chaser is attracted to real trans girls—sort of. He is familiar with and attracted to all of the new stereotypes about trans girls from 4Chan's /TTTT/ and Reddit's /r/traaaaaaaaaaans. The nerdy, shy, awkward girl with low self-esteem who is desperate for your validation and approval. She's probably really kinky, and has very low standards. Her emotional responses to the simplest compliments are outsized. She's not like those cis girls who spurn your advances. She shares all of your interests. She dresses feminine and girly like a real life lolita. She blushes and flusters so easily, and you get to be the heroic savior who builds her self-esteem through your love and lust.

I have not encountered a classic chaser in years, but I certainly keep encountering the new chaser. They seem perfectly nice and normal, until they say something like "I thought all trans girls liked bionicles?" or "I like tgirls because regular women's standards are too high."² One chaser told me that "with a tgirl, it's like your best homie is also your girlfriend. You can't get that with regular women."

It's a different kind of fetishization. Trans girls are still degraded in this fantasy. The low self-esteem is a huge part of the fantasy. That they think they could say these things to us and we would still accept their advances is a part of the fantasy of my lowly easy-to-manipulate and abuse status. There is also always a misunderstanding and disdain for cisgender women tied up in this fetish. Trans girls are put on a pedestal as the opposite of everything "wrong" with "real women." We are seen by the new chaser as like an anime visual novel dating sim character come to life.

I hate these chasers even more. They are less dangerous on the outset, but what I hate is how often they are right. They fetishize stereotypes that have a grain of truth in them about our community. I am an awkward nerd with more insecurities about the idea that a man could be attracted to me than the average cis woman. It makes my skin crawl that men are recognizing this and trying to take advantage of it. It would be easy for one to successfully manipulate me like this if they weren't dumb enough to say something degrading about trans girls out loud. When I do meet a nice nerdy guy, in the back of my head I wonder if he's just a chaser nouveau who is doing a better job at hiding it.

A tangent on the Lesbian Chaser

Lesbian chasers are a thing too! They fetishize the "plight" of trans women and how they can be a savior and an ally to these tragic beauties. Not men, so they don't belong in this typology. But I wanted to mention them so my list of chasers wouldn't feel incomplete. The cis lesbian chaser uses her trans girlfriend as a sort of social justice cudgel. She's dating a trans woman, you know, so she can't be transphobic, and maybe she's actually an authoritative voice on trans issues. She's practically a trans woman herself really. I once knew one of these who was simultaneously dating seven trans women, and burned through exes (all of whom were trans women) so very quickly. Rumors that these were abusive relationships were dismissed. How could you be abusing trans women when you're dating seven trans women! Nobody else will take such pity on us so anyone who does date us must be a valorous and charitable person.

The Egg

Stop asking trans women on dates so you can come out to us. These ones sometimes make themselves known on the first date, and it's annoying but oh well you got a free coffee out of it. The worst ones will date you for months to observe your life and work up the courage to convince themselves that they can transition and be happy too. When they come out, they expect you to keep dating them, and want you to become their mother figure guiding them through transition. It's so awful. Here you are thinking a gentle sensitive kind man is genuinely interested in you romantically and it turns out she's just using you. Don't do this.

The Married Man

Married men are obsessed with trans women. Married men will see a trans woman in the room and say "are you going to fuck that" and then slide into her DMs before you can answer. Married men believe that one blowjob from a trans girl will fix all of their marital problems with their high school sweetheart who they got engaged to at age 20—actually maybe a few more is what it will take. Married men will at least name you a "secondary partner" or "tertiary partner" so you'll stick around—so long as his wife still gives her blessing. You'll meet his wife and she shakes your hand like she's hiring you to fuck her husband. He likes it rough and she doesn't so it's a good thing you're here for him to rough around and get it out of his system.

One day he tells you that you've helped him realize he's bisexual, and he's so grateful. Maybe you start befriending his wife and you learn that they don't really have sex anymore—you're the outlet for sex. You listen to him talk about all his marital issues in the form of odd compliments. You're not frigid, like his wife. You appreciate his hobbies, unlike his wife. You listen to him, unlike his wife.

Then one day he mentions marriage counseling, and then you become his primary emotional support as he goes through divorce. You feel like a home wrecker, but you also know that without you this marriage would have ended a lot sooner. After the divorce, maybe you stay together a bit, but soon he realizes that he can't be in a relationship right now—because of the divorce emotions. He needs to be single. He needs to go on a spiritual journey of self-discovery and leave this dirt where everything reminds him of his bitch ex-spouse who apparently came out as non-binary during marriage counseling.

The Depressed Intellectual

Every manic pixie dream girl in every 00s indie romcom is an honorary trans woman. Zoey Deschanel is an honorary trans woman. Ramona Flowers is an honorary trans woman. Juno is actually a trans man but that's the exception.

The depressed intellectual is a mess. His apartment is a mess. He hasn't showered in a good bit. You don't mind though, because he's incredibly smart, quite kind, and very good at sex. He tells you all about his PhD thesis/poetry book/novel/original leftist theory/art/photography/etc.

He's depressed, yeah, but you make him feel a little bit alive. You help his self esteem and he considers you his muse. You're not sure if he has any other friends, or does anything when you're not around. He says he thinks you're amazing, though he might just mean your blowjob skills and not anything to do with your life outside of him. He doesn't really ask about your life outside of him besides if you went and checked out that thing he recommended to you.

There are two branching paths with this one. He can

A. Message you after a month and say he's just really not in a good place for a serious relationship right now, but would you like to be friends with benefits?

Or

B. Dates you legitimately for 3-6 months, then thanks you profusely for helping him grow as a person, and making him realize that he needs to enter the next chapter of his life—which always involves leaving you behind. He's very happy, so it's hard to be upset, but why can't he invite you to go with him on this next adventure?

The Enlightened Committmentphobe

Trans women can't get pregnant, therefore if you date a trans woman you won't have to be pressured into being a dad! Trans women are so open-minded, so you could probably talk her into something more casual and in the grey-area between fuck buddies and a relationship. It's like, Relationship Anarchy or something, right? Marriage is so patriarchal.

Any time you want to ask for more, you feel kind of guilty. Isn't it more enlightened to just be chill with whatever custom-fit individually negotiated post-structuralist libertarian dynamic you are offered? I mean it's kind of like having a boyfriend—when he has time for you between other partners. Are you partners? Maybe you should talk about that. Or don't.

He doesn't do exclusivity or commitment, but that freedom is mostly for him. Any time he learns you're doing things with other men, he makes an effort to reassert his dominance in your love life, or perhaps immediately retreats and says you don't seem interested anymore (so prove him wrong and give him more attention)

Any time you try to treat him like a casual fuck buddy or friend with benefits, he does something really sweet and romantic and tells you how important your relationship is to him and how much he cares for you. You're more than a friend to him.

Any time you try to treat him like your boyfriend, he gets uncomfortable and cold, gets concerned that maybe you two don't want the same thing after all and maybe this isn't going to work out. He really values your friendship and he wouldn't want to lose it by rocking the boat. Didn't you agree to not be exclusive or committed?

You know this relationship is probably holding you back from finding someone who actually wants to date you, but what if there isn't someone else? Maybe you should just settle for this. He treats you decently, he just won't commit to you.

The Sadistic Sugar Daddy

He has a lot of money. Trans women need money. That gives him power. He might say he just likes to spoil you, but he knows so long as he keeps the money coming you'll do anything he wants no matter how humiliating. He buys you clothes and you wear them. Half of your meals are dates with him, but he always orders for you.

Sometimes he makes comments about paying for your GRS or FFS, and how then he'd own your pussy. Maybe you move in with him because you need housing. Maybe he lets you use his credit card, so long as you keep making him happy.

It goes without saying that he is abusive. You will not be happy with him. You don't love each other. But you are using him to survive until you can get out.

The Ashamed Conservative

Your dates are always really far away from the center of town. No man would ever introduce his trans girlfriend to his parents—but this guy doesn't want a single person on earth to recognize him with you. He hates every reminder that you're trans. He wishes you'd stop hanging out with other trans people. He hates himself for loving you. He thinks he's a sinner who doesn't deserve a real woman. He wishes you'd act more modest, like a real woman. He treats you like a real woman, so act like one.

You know this isn't going to work out, but you keep coming back to him anyway. He treats you like a real woman. He fucks you missionary style. It feels so gender affirming. You imagine being his housewife and doing all those suburban wife things. You could be the perfect stepford wife—if you could just act normal. He makes you hate yourself even more than he does.

One day he meets a cis woman and leaves you—or you learn you've been his mistress this whole time and his wife is furious that he cheated on her with a tranny. It's over. Was it worth it? You cry anyway.

The Trans Man

He loves to open doors for you, pull out your chair, and carry things for you. He loves to shower you with love and perform over the top heterosexual gestures—in a self-aware feminist way of course. Who needs cis people when you can love each other and make each other happy. He likes when you suck his strap but mostly he's focused on your pleasure. He's doing his best to be better than any cis man could ever be.

He's sort of insecure though. He's shorter than you, and sometimes people still manage to think you're the boyfriend and he's the girlfriend. You get harassed a lot in public together. Still, he's so very good to you and you couldn't be happier.

One day, he meets a cisgender straight woman who is shorter than him. It's so gender affirming how she's attracted to him. Gosh, with a trans husband she wouldn't be pressured to be a mother. She was bicurious when she attended Smith. And no evil penises around means everyone is safe and harmless.

He leaves you for her.

Too Horny For His Own Good

Does he even like you, or are you just available? He sees a lot of people. Are you free tonight? What about tomorrow. You suspect he tries to schedule his calendar so he's having sex with someone every day of the week. He tests regularly, don't worry. He's certainly the best at making you orgasm of any guy on this list. He's well groomed and super hot. No man can compare to him. But he doesn't make a single gesture at romantic overture. It's not even on the table. You're a reliable recurring hookup and that's all you're good for.

He texts you frequently, and dissuades you from pursuing any guy who might make you go monogamous. He says that guy could never satisfy you sexually the way he does—and you know he's right. Could you really commit to only having sex with one person the rest of your life? He makes you doubt yourself a lot. He tells you how good you are at sex, and maybe you start to think that's all you're good for.

He cuddles with you after sex, and that's the most frequent physical affection you can ever get. Does life really need romance to be good?

Sometimes you wonder if you should try to be his partner, since he's been the most consistently interested in you more than any other man has ever been. Yet, you know, that this is just about sex. It's only ever going to be about sex. You are the Tuesdays and Thursdays fuck buddy and that is all you will be.

How to be Better

Treating trans women well comes down to the same things as treating cis women well. If you don't think a cis woman would accept or be OK with something, then don't expect a trans woman to accept it either. Don't assume that trans women are more sexually free, more casual, more interested in non-traditional relationships, uninterested in being mothers, and so forth. Don't use us as tools. Treat us like cis women. Hold yourself to the same higher standards you would expect a cis woman to hold you to.

The bar is on the floor. Treat us well, be willing to commit, pursue us straightforwardly romantically the same ways you would a cis woman—and you will be rewarded with the most enamored, loyal, passionate partners.

Trans women are seen as a less-desirable but easier option than dating cis women. Like living in a studio apartment, or eating microwave meals. We take less effort to impress or please. It sucks that every trans woman who dates men is always going to doubt holding men to higher standards. Every time, we will always question if we should settle for being treated as less valuable than we are because the alternative is being touch starved and lonely. Every time a man says "would you consider something like being friends with benefits instead?" a part of us will always regret saying No.

Every trans woman I know is an incredibly intelligent, talented, unique, and amazing individual. We deserve better. If there is a trans woman you find attractive and amazing, pursue her fully and put in effort. Act on the belief that she could do better than you and do your best to be good enough for her.

Don't expect trans women to settle for less than a cis woman would settle for. It's really that simple, isn't it?

The healthy feminist answer to everything, for the trans woman side of things, is to just say that we are strong independent women who don't need the validation and affection of a man to be happy. Unfortunately for the heterosexuals in the room, it is human nature to desire love and companionship, and some of us have brains wired to desire the companionship of men. I tried very hard to be otherwise and failed. It is a great misfortune, but at least we can take solace knowing that most straight cis women are also pretty miserable with the state of American men when it comes to romance.

1. In mass media depictions of our community, there is a strange racial disparity. White trans women on television are nearly always lesbians. Trans women of color are depicted as straight. I have no idea why or what this means but it is a notable pattern in mainstream depictions of trans women. ↩︎
2. These are real quotes chasers nouveau have said to me in their attempts to flirt. ↩︎