In defense of Nice

I think something that's not talked about enough probably because it's very obvious and yet maybe we all forget this is that it feels really bad when someone is rude to you—even when you know that person is wrong or overreacting. We talk a lot these days about the value of the honest real kind versus the fake shallow nice but I think there is a value to nice.

There is a value in pausing and thinking about what you're about to say and if the way you're saying it is unnecessarily hostile or aggressive. Not because you're a bad person for feeling that way or being transparent about how you feel. But because it's nice when people make that slight effort to be nice to each other. It feels bad when someone is unnecessarily rude or mean to you, and it's nice when people choose to keep some of that to themselves and instead phrase things a little more diplomatically or neutrally.

Obviously, as an Autistic person, I am not setting a high bar here for people to do lots of dancing around things and indirectness and mind-reading nonsense. But there's just such a big difference between the neutral-nice "Man, I'm disappointed that this library doesn't have Goncharov on Blu-Ray. Can you order that for me?" versus the rude "this piece of shit library doesn't even have Goncharov on Blu-Ray. Order it." It's communicating the same thing but honestly the tone is just such a big difference! Neither of these is "kind" they're both complaints followed by directives, but one of them just feels a lot better to be on the receiving end of!

A nice thing about being a librarian whose supervisor is a former bartender is we just treat the library like a bar. If someone is being hostile or rude to us, we just kick them out. We talk back and tell them "don't talk to me like that or I'm not ordering Goncharov on Blu-Ray." It's a free service, we don't need any individual person to borrow any individual item. But like, most other people don't have that option. Most workers don't get to talk back to customers or bosses or clients. Also, even outside of a work situation, it just sucks when someone in public is rude to you in an unnecessary way. Like, I had someone sarcastically call me "little miss sunshine" for having a flat affect and neutral face. It's just rude and mean. Leave me alone. What's your problem. Sheesh, y'know?

Anyway, not expecting everyone to have the best social skills or anything, and I really do value candor and honesty and such. I just think sometimes it's worth it to avoid cuss words in some contexts.

Natalie says:

as someone who has spent a bunch of time explicitly teaching myself how to frame the stuff I say in a nice way in the way that Shel is talking about and: it gets results. Not necessarily in terms of "people doing what you want" (although sometimes that too), but mostly just in terms of people being happier when they interact with you and being nice back to you. It feels good!

Nire says:

also the thing about being nice is: it's often shallow but thats the point a lot of even neurotypical people this last decade+ seem to miss this, but the occasional (and often unrelenting) superficiality? that's the whole of The Point. I'm not saying this to like, make fun of people not getting it -- it's just, genuinely, how it works.

people put the effort in to 'do a nice thing', they have done nice thing, it not landing well doesn't really change that or the effort/thought/care. ( it's protocol-layer stuff, not actual messaging.)

The subtle loss of that is like... akin to people not seeing the labor that goes into their goods, or the reason things cost more if they're well made, or why gifts are a thing still. It's just not a thing that's talked about, and you sort of have to trip over it. And it's fine that it's missed, but you'll understand the world a lot better if you just roll with it.

it's the only reason society works, in the end, so it's worth something imo even if it's annoying sometimes. It can change, but I think it's one of those things where even if it's not automatic to you, it's worth looking into.

Just... don't do the NGO internal politics thing where nice is used to lie to everyone's faces while justified anger is said to be divisive. But also don't confuse genuine/social nicety with that.

Back to me:

It's morally neutral!

Yes like exactly I want to emphasize that it's a morally neutral thing right. It's nice to have in the same way that clean bed sheets or a clean kitchen are nice to have. It's morally neutral to have or not have these things. But it is nice to have them when you can. There are many good reasons you can't have them sometimes and that's fine and morally neutral. You don't clean your bed sheets because it's the right thing to do you clean your bed sheets because you like the feeling of sleeping on clean bed sheets.

We are not nice to each other because it makes us better people we do it because we it feels good when people are nice and it feels worse when they are rude. Sometimes the situation doesn't fall for someone feeling good, but usually we're in a neutral situation and if you can be nice then, well, it's nice! To be able to do that! But if someone can't be nice, or can't keep their kitchen clean, that's not problematic. That's neutral.

This is in contrast to Kind which takes a lot more effort and actually does have some moral judgement along its axis. It's not a morally neutral term like nice is. "It's nice to have" isn't something you say about things you have to have, like clean water. But "unkindness" is a synonym for cruelty.