Lashon Hara

This essay is about the concept in Jewish Law called Lashon Hara, which translates to "evil tongue." Why Lashon Hara is forbidden, and why Jews and Non-Jews alike may wish to add a mindfulness of lashon hara to their life.

Prelude to the Essay—Some Context and Personal History

A major issue with my original thread was the lack of context. It's astounding how many people read my argument as being in favor of child pornography, something I was never trying to argue. So here, My Dear Reader, is the backstory of why I wrote that thread.

In college, I made a friend who we will call... Paul. Paul was someone who kept a particular sphere of influence, and if they saw you talking to someone outside of their influence, they'd always have something to say about why they're problematic and you shouldn't associate with them. What has stuck most clearly in my mind was a time when Paul saw me say hi to a friend, and as soon as we were out of earshot, Paul told me a story about how my friend called them classist on Facebook for saying that they prefer homemade cranberry sauce over canned cranberry sauce, and kept pressing me until I stopped defending my friend and agreed they were being dumb in that moment. They did that kinda thing constantly.

Paul was also a chaser who preyed on early transition trans women and came to be a known serial abuser. When I finally distanced myself from Paul, I ended up staying in touch with the many trans women that Paul had hurt. Nearly every trans women in the area, at the time, had been hurt by Paul in some way that stuck with them—some far worse than others.

A year or so later, one of Paul's exes shared the wikipedia article for Lashon Hara with the caption "holy shit Judaism forbids call-out posts" and said to me something like "Doesn't the part about Baalei Lashon Hara remind you of Paul?" I read the article and was like, damn, shit, you're right, that's Paul. I then began very actively committing to living a life where I did not participate in Lashon Hara. Doing this helped guide me into much healthier communities and friendships and I've never regretted this.

A year or two later, I'm at a Shabbat Dinner and an organizer starts recreationally talking shit about someone else who regularly attends Shabbat Dinners with this same group. I say "Sorry, I don't like to participate in Lashon Hara" and begin to excuse myself from the conversation. This person gets defensive and tells me that actually Lashon Hara is Good and Feminist and sends me an article called "A feminist defense of Lashon Hara" and proceeds to be rude to me for the rest of the night. I go home and read the article, which uses "lashon hara" as interchangeable with "gossip" and overall fails to make a compelling argument in favor of recreationally shit talking your friend in front of dinner guests. It basically made the argument that lashon hara is how women warn each other about broken stairs. But, by definition, that is not lashon hara. That is called a whisper network, and the Chofetz Chaim explicitly says "If someone is beyond rebuke, then you are free to speak ill of them and it is not lashon hara." A few months later, I learn that basically all of the trans women stopped attending those shabbat dinners. They tell me that all the lashon hara made them uncomfortable and reminded them too much of Paul, who had traumatized so many trans women locally. Soon after, that chavurah dissolved entirely.

Here, I saw a community fail because of lashon hara, and I decided to write my own little counter-argument to that "feminist defense of lashon hara," about why we, as left-wing people, should avoid lashon hara. From there, it grew much bigger and became perhaps what I am most known for.

Part 1—What Is Lashon Hara

The term Lashon Hara was coined by Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan, in his seminal work "Chofetz Chaim" which means "One Who Desires Life." He is so known for this work, that people often refer to him as "The Chofetz Chaim" as though it is his name.

Lashon Hara is to speak ill of somebody in a way which is true and for no good reason. The classic example is to tell people about a misdeed someone had commit in the past for which they already atoned for; or to talk about something bad someone did with no intention of holding them accountable or causing them to change.

One good translation may be "recreational shit-talking."

The Chofetz Chaim says that one is forbidden to speak publicly of another's misdeeds until someone has tried to privately confront the person causing harm about their behavior, or implored someone closer to them to confront them. If, after being confronted, the person causing harm refuses to change, or if for some reason it is impossible to confront them (for instance, if they are a politician), then the Chofetz Chaim considers them "beyond rebuke" and the laws of Lashon Hara no longer apply. Specifically, it is that speaking publicly can be an effective way to protect others from danger, or to rally others to intervene. If they heed the confrontation and atone properly, then you are forbidden from bringing the incident up again so long as the person who has caused harm does not relapse into harmful behavior again. The matter is resolved, and they (and we) must be permitted to move on.^[1]

Things that are not Lashon Hara

Unlike Libel, Lashon Hara is true. Libel, according to the Chofetz Chaim, is always a lie and always for the purpose of ruining someone's reputation. Lashon hara is generally the truth (or at least not demonstrably false.) Yet, despite it being true, there is still no good reason to be spreading it. Lashon Hara may have the intent of ruining someone's reputation, but it could also just be careless and recreational, or for the purpose of isolating the listener from the subject of Lashon Hara. It could be for no reason at all. It just, by definition, is not being done with the intent of holding someone accountable in any meaningful way. Libel is considered to be worse than Lashon Hara, but I feel like I don't need to convince you not to spread lies about people.

Unlike Gossip, Lashon Hara is always negative and does not have to be done in secret. Gossip may be Lashon Hara, but it can also be benign. For instance, talking about if two friends are hooking up might be gossip, but it's not Lashon Hara. Also, gossip is always done in secret. If you're saying it in public, then it's not gossip anymore.

Unlike a Whisper Campaign, Lashon Hara is not done for a good reason. Whisper campaigns are done to warn women about a dangerous man in power who cannot be confronted. The Chofetz Chaim explicitly permits speaking ill of "a man beyond rebuke" in order to protect others.^[2]

Politicians are pretty much always exempt from Lashon Hara laws, because Lashon Hara, by definition, is not done with the intent to hold somebody accountable or create good in the world. To the Chofetz Chaim, a private confrontation is always better than a public confrontation, but what matters most is that you are trying to repair (or halt) the harm being done. If that is your intent, then it is not Lashon Hara.

Telling fun stories about people you used to know to people who will never know them is not lashon hara. While it veers pretty close to "recreational shit-talking," if you anonymize the names and ensure there is no feasible way that this will affect the life of the person being spoken of, then it may be permissible. The Chofetz Chaim, who never lived in a community larger than a few thousand people, disagrees with me on this. He explicitly says that changing the names is not enough, because people can still figure out who it is by context and other details. However, my argument is that if someone can figure out who it is by context and other details, then you should not be telling this story to that person. Save your stories for the people who have no clue who you're talking about and never will.

Lastly, confiding in a friend about an experience that made you uncomfortable or that you need to process or get advice on, is absolutely not Lashon Hara. This is normal social behavior and these are very good reasons to speak ill of someone. You are trying to reach a place of good, and that's important. You are not expected to handle everything in life alone, never speaking of your problems because it would violate Jewish law. That is not the intent of the Chofetz Chaim nor is it my intent. If someone in your community is crossing your boundaries and making you uncomfortable, you should definitely talk to a friend about that. In many ways, that can be the first step to holding that person accountable or encouraging them to change, and at the very least it will help you feel safer in the meantime.

OK, So What Is Lashon Hara Then

• Stories of misdeeds that have already been atoned for

John and Sierra are hanging out and Sierra mentions that she had lunch with her friend Kiarrah the other day. John rolls his eyes, and tells Sierra that Kiarrah had misgendered his friend Jessica. What John does not tell Sierra, is that Kiarrah later apologized to Jessica, and Jessica forgave her.

This situation has been resolved. There is no longer any good reason to tell this story. It just makes Kiarrah look bad, for no good reason. This is Lashon Hara.

• Stories that are embarrassing and make someone look bad, without any way that telling this story could lead to the subject improving as a person (and surely, that is not the intent of the story.)

Paul and Shel are on their way off-campus and Shel sees her friend Geoff. Shel says hi to Geoff briefly, then gets in Paul's car so they can go grocery shopping together. Once the door is closed, Paul begins to tell Shel that Geoff had called Paul classist for preferring homemade cranberry sauce over canned cranberry sauce. Paul continues to press Shel on her reactions until she agrees that Geoff was stupid to say that.

There is no way that Paul telling this story to Shel would ever result in Geoff apologizing to Paul or learning a lesson. In fact, that is clearly not the intent of the conversation. Paul is not trying to get Shel to confront Geoff about their behavior. Paul is trying to press Shel into affirming that Paul is a more important friend than Geoff. This is Lashon Hara.

• Bad-mouthing people in your community because you find them annoying, with no intention of ever telling them yourself that you think so.

Emmett, Shira, Rowan, and Claire are hanging out for dinner. Rowan has to head home early because they have an early work shift in the morning. After Rowan leaves, Emmett turns to Shira and Claire and says "I just think Rowan is so... annoying... don't you? I mean, that story about their psoriatic arthritis was so gross I mean talk about an appetite killer." Emmett has no intention of ever telling Rowan that this is how they feel.

Emmett may be speaking the truth that Rowan's social skills in that moment were lacking, but they have no intention of ever telling Rowan that dinnertime is not the best time to discuss their skin plaques. This conversation does nothing to aid in Rowan atoning or learning a lesson, it just embarrasses Rowan to their friends and pushes them out of their friend group for reasons they will never know. This is Lashon Hara, speaking ill with no intention to repair.

• Vindictively spreading someone's misdeeds or embarrassing secrets in public, before ever trying to talk to them in private.

Arnold and Amil were boyfriends for two years, before they had a messy breakup. Arnold secretly has a fetish for incest role play, and he also has a popular podcast where he discusses positive masculinity and the importance of healthy male role models in the lives of young boys. Amil creates a Twitter call-out post where he tells the world that Arnold fetishizes and defends incest. Amil connects this to Arnold's podcast, making the entire premise feel quite creepy. The sole intent is to ruin Arnold's podcasting career as revenge for the relationship falling apart. When they were dating, Amil never told Arnold that he thought Arnold's incest role play fetish was immoral, dangerous, or unhealthy; or that he should seek therapy or cease reading incest smut. Amil never said anything when Arnold called him "Daddy" during sex.

While it may be framed as righteous, ultimately, this call-out post is simply vindictive and pointless. Arnold is not preying on his family members or publicly advocating for the legalization of incest. Publicly shaming him for something already socially stigmatized is not going to be what pushes him over the edge into seeking therapy or trying to stop indulging his fetish with smut and porn. Whether this is harmful or immoral behavior at all is quite dubious. I mean, it's uncomfortable. Most people will feel weird listening to his podcast now. But this isn't actually protecting anyone from harm. Arnold was not an active danger and Amil never tried to privately confront him before going public. If Amil had privately told Arnold that he thought his incest fetish was unhealthy, he might have actually gotten Arnold to see a therapist (if such a thing is necessary.) This is Lashon Hara. The intent is simply to cause harm, it is not to hold someone accountable in any meaningful way that results in their atonement or harm being resolved.

• Bringing up someone's old bad takes that they don't uphold today.

Amara is a semi-popular organizer for her local Food Not Bombs chapter, and has a few thousand followers on Twitter. In response to discourse surrounding Russia's invasion of the Ukraine, she tweets that anyone defending the invasion is delusional, and the Russian Federation has no rightful claim over the Ukraine, which is a sovereign nation deserving of self-determination, and has faced much hardship at the hands of Russia. BetsyBoobly69 quote-retweets Amara with a screenshot of a tweet Amara made four years ago where she said that Stalin did nothing wrong and the Great Famine never happened. "Oh Really? That's not what you said before. So what's the truth, Amara? Are you just going lib now? Or are you ready to admit to being a crypto-tankie"

Amara obviously no longer believes her old take; if she did, she wouldn't have made a statement saying exactly the opposite. People can change a lot in four years, especially when it comes to opinions on Geopolitics. If Betsy was actually concerned about Amara having conflicting stances, she could have privately asked Amara or someone close to her about the old tweet and gotten a response on how her opinions have changed. Instead, she went on the attack and publicly blasted Amara for things she said in the past.

Lashon Hara is to speak ill of someone, in a manner that is true, but which is not done with the genuine intent to hold them accountable and repair the harm done, but is instead done for some other bad reason that doesn't do anyone any good. According to the Chofetz Chaim, you are obliged to attempt a private confrontation before it is permissible to go public.

Part 2—Why Avoid Lashon Hara?

Why is lashon hara forbidden? Historically, Jewish people lived in very small tight-knit communities. Everyone knew everyone, and you would know the same people for your entire life. In order to co-exist in a healthy manner, we need to know that we can atone for our misdeeds, be forgiven, and move on from it.

If people feel like one mistake will live on their permanent record forever, then they will get paranoid, anxious, and defensive. Why admit to doing something wrong if nobody will ever forgive you for it anyway? If it's going to follow you for the rest of your life, it would always be in your best interest to deny it and insist that you are in the right. People would feel the need to appear perfect.

Today, many of us live in close tight-knit queer and trans communities where that exact problem is prevalent. Do I even need to describe to you the intense paranoia queer and trans people feel about making a single mistake that costs them their entire community? About a mistake they made a long time ago following them forever?

The rippling effects turn communities toxic and awful. Apologizing is disincentivized. The community mantra is "you never have to forgive anyone." "Forgiveness" is even a naughty word to some people. Whenever I've used the word on Twitter, I always had at lease one person in the replies telling me I was saying they should forgive their father for abusing them or some other abhorrent thing. As though there is never an interpersonal conflict less severe than the most traumatizing things you can ever do to someone. The only solution anyone has to any interpersonal conflict is getting each other ostracized, because nobody has learned any normal healthy conflict resolution skills, because everyone is too afraid to admit to being wrong for any private confrontation to ever be successful, so nobody even attempts it anymore. Just make everything public or semi-public immediately.

Normalized lashon hara also makes it feel dangerous when someone who knows about your mistakes is ever around someone you know. It means they will obviously spread lashon hara about you and you will lose everything. So you have to push them out of your shared spaces, or distance yourself from anyone who talks to them. I wrote about this in detail in Friendship Espionage Paranoia. It incentivizes ostracizing your enemies instead of trying to co-exist and tolerate each other.

In a small close-knit community, you will eventually run out of people that way. In a shtetl, such behavior would have inevitably led to a lack of genetic diversity and thus birth defects. Thus, it was crucial that lashon hara be discouraged and private confrontations and forgiveness encouraged. The ability to co-exist together for our entire lives was crucial to survival.

Lashon hara can also be an abuse tactic in an ongoing relationship of control. It's an incredibly effective way to isolate someone and position oneself as the only person who can be trusted. Just talk shit about the target to everyone they know, so that people start to distance themselves, then affirm to the target that you love them and will stick by them, while talking shit about everyone else. Someone who does this might be called a "ba'al lashon hara" or "Lord of the Evil Tongue."

Part 3—Baalei Lashon Hara

"Baalei Lashon Hara" translates to "Lords of the Evil Tongue" which is a pretty metal way to describe a two-faced gossip queen. A ba'al lashon hara is someone who chronically, constantly engages in lashon hara. It is such a habit of theirs that it has "become an integral part of the person."

Baalei lashon hara use lashon hara to separate people from each other, so that nobody trusts each other as much as they trust the ba'al lashon hara. They tend to position themselves in the center of their social networks. They love to be the one who hosts all the parties, so that getting on their bad side means not getting invited to all the group hang-outs. They know everyone's dirty laundry, and they want you to know it.

It's important to be able to notice when someone is a ba'al lashon hara. The traditional rabbinical advice is to quietly distance yourself from a ba'al lashon hara. If you do not stay away, then it is only a matter of time until you become their next target (they may even be talking about you already). You are certainly welcome to confront baalei lashon hara about their behavior—I want to believe nobody is an evil lizard person, and everyone is capable of change—but be warned that they will likely retaliate against you. You have seen through them, and that makes you dangerous. Only attempt such a confrontation after you have ensured such a retaliation will not result in a loss of your support network or material needs.

Baalei lashon hara are poison to communities. They foster an environment of paranoia and constant drama. Everyone becomes afraid to ever be seen as having made a mistake, and group ostracisms become a regular ritual. Nobody in the community has deep trusting bonds; their friendships exist only as a group that has been convened by their ba'al. Like the ooloi in Octavia Butler's Xenogensis trilogy, their relationships exist only through the ba'al lashon hara.

Perhaps many baalei lashon hara are narcissists, but the old world rabbis didn't have a concept of psychiatric disorders (only of "being possessed by a dybbuk") so it's not a 1:1 overlap. Many baalei lashon hara do have a lot of trauma, and their behavior is often driven by maladaptive coping mechanisms. The ba'al lashon hara ends up normalizing their own maladaptive behavior because they are often the community leader, so even neurotypical people begin to copy them. To quote Sarah Schulman, it's as though the entire community develops trauma behaviors at the collective level. Splitting and anger issues become the community norm.

I'm going to write out some common signs I've seen that someone is a ba'al lashon hara. Please remember that the only true definition of a ba'al lashon hara is "someone who habitually spreads lashon hara so much it's a core part of their personality." These are simply... hints! They may or may not appear, and they aren't proof alone of anything. I don't wanna be writing a "10 signs you're dating a narcissist" listicle. These are still human beings, and everyone exists on a spectrum. But if you're seeing these hints, maybe don't pin your livelihood on this person.

• You often find that, after mentioning someone's name, they will interrupt the conversation to tell you about something problematic the named person did or said in the past, even though it has nothing to do with the topic of conversation.
• Every time you hang out, they always, at some point, eventually, tell you something negative about another person. At least once, every time, but often even more. It's just recreational to them.
• They never confront people in private about problems. Everything gets blasted in public immediately, or at the very least goes on their locked private social media accounts that nearly everyone follows anyway.
• They remember everyone's dirty laundry. No matter how much time passes, they have shit on everyone and they want people to know it. It's like they keep a well-organized archive of dirty laundry in their head.
• When they tell you something negative about someone else, they will often press you to respond in the way they want you to. If you act disinterested in speaking ill of others, they will act offended and imply that you're defending the subject of their lashon hara and taking the side of the enemy.
• They are not okay with you having friends who they don't like. They constantly talk shit about your friends who they are not friends with, and pressure you to distance yourself from them. They expect you to side with them at the expense of all other relationships.
• Everyone they're on bad terms with is an "abuser," "narcissist," "toxic," or some other unquestionably evil term. Their entire life is seemingly a string of constant consecutive abusive relationships, friendships, roommates etc. They have never been the reason a relationship fell apart.
• Their social media accounts are a constant stream of call-out posts. Often, they will share every single call-out post they see even if they have no personal connections. It's like they search for keywords to just find all the latest call-out posts to share from completely non-overlapping communities.
• Their descriptions of people's misdeeds are often vague and full of extreme-sounding buzzwords, but when you think about what's being described, you realize what they're talking about is hardly severe and the words they're using don't apply. For instance, "They are a manipulative liar. They are very ableist and crossed my boundaries by not telling me they lived with cats despite my allergies. When I told them that I was allergic, they gaslit me and said they didn't know."
• They rarely mention when their stories take place, and you often learn that these terrible misdeeds happened years and years ago and are hardly urgent or pressing. For instance, they will tell you that someone expressed a neoliberal stance defending American imperialism, but they won't tell you that this happened in their Sophmore history class and they were immediately rebutted by their professor.

Again, I'm not trying to say that if someone does any of these that they are an irredeemable evil person; just that maybe it would be wise to ensure you are not dependent on being in their good graces to have a support network, community, or to meet your material needs. When you have ensured they cannot destroy you, then keep them at arm's reach, or confront them in private (perhaps with a buddy or two to back you up on this behavior not being OK).

Part 4—How Do We Avoid Lashon Hara?

So to be clear, I am not saying nobody can ever say anything bad about anyone else ever. That might be what the Chofetz Chaim was calling for, but I know that that's a pretty unreasonable expectation. The call to action is simply to be mindful and intentional with your words. To think about what you are saying about other people and why. It's less about categorical imperatives and more about being thoughtful.

So here are some tips on how to avoid lashon hara and heal your social circles.

1. Before saying something negative about someone, ask yourself what you're trying to accomplish, do you have a good reason for spreading this. Was the incident resolved?

2. Ask yourself if the name of the person who did the misdeed is relevant information. Anonymize your stories if they reflect poorly on someone in a way that's unnecessary. I never say full names in my wild stories from college, we all did weird shit in college, the focus here is the drama not who did it. If someone asks me "WHO did this omg" I say "Someone, it's not important."

3. If someone starts telling you some Lashon Hara, ask them "Why are you telling me this?" and if they don't have a good reason, say "Could we talk about something else then?" Don't participate in those conversations, it only encourages more of them.

4. If your goal is to hold someone accountable or warn people about danger; be thoughtful about what is the most effective way to do it. Does doing it in public help or hurt your goal? Does being snarky help or hurt? Has anyone directly confronted this person about their behavior yet? What criteria determine when it's time to stop talking about it?

5. Lastly, Spread this practice among your social groups. Explicitly tell your friends that you're not going to shit-talk them or smear their name if they upset you. Tell them you'll talk to them first if you hear a rumor about them. Forge trust in your communities that you will try to work through and resolve problems together before resorting to public call-outs and ostracism. Disempower Baalei Lashon Hara by stigmatizing their behavior. Tell your friends that you forgive them, & that you trust that they have the ability to grow and improve as a person. Create an atmosphere where people know that you're not going to make a mistake follow them for the rest of their lives, and that admitting to making a mistake isn't dangerous.

I hope this essay has been helpful for you, and that reflecting on this concept can help you be more mindful in how you exist in community with other people. Whether your are Jewish or not, and whether or not you decide to be as strictly adherent to this doctrine as I am; I hope that you can use this framework to promote healthier community norms in your social circles.

Footnotes