Well, so, I disappeared into a fog of depression and I can't say I've exactly emerged. In addition to the election, my final grandparent passed away which triggered yet another attempt at reconciliation with my biological family which yet again was a total disaster.
I also had my position at work changed because of fears of transphobic violence. I did not request a transfer; my superiors decided for me that my new assignment was too dangerous for a trans woman and reassigned me to a project that involves less exposure to the public. I gave my consent, but the alternative would have been demoting. "Remain in my current assignment" was not an option given to me. The queer senior librarians are very paternal/maternal towards me; and it's nice sometimes, but in this case it felt tokenizing and depressing.
So, I missed my personal deadlines. I did not work on any of my writing projects. I dealt with another change in work location and another disruption to my routines. I am adjusting once again to a new assignment, commute, title, business cards. I have some spare time, so the best time to catch up is now.
un petit défoulement — socioreligious chrysalis
What if, even just for a moment, I took seriously the idea that I am categorically wrong. That my existence, my brain, my subjectivity and the texture of my experience in the world, is wrong, is normatively incorrect, is misconfigured and improperly deployed. What if I retreat from the axiom that It Can't Be Wrong To Be What I Am and allowed for the possibility that, even if not possibly for anyone else, I am simply an incorrect, improper human being in the way that I think and perceive and experience.
This piece was exactly what I needed to read these past two weeks. As boring, straight-laced, and cold as I am—I am also the scapegoat freak that the media is blaming for the election results. Yes, I had those doubts. Those ones. Yet, here I am anyway. This essay really helped.
Color and Repetition Form Optical Rhythms in Daniel Mullen’s Geometric Paintings
Sometimes you just need some pretty shapes. These shapes are pretty.
Parshat Lech Lecha — Chava Stavitsky
Avram himself will die a peaceful death, but the same is not true for his offspring in the future — they will face slavery and suffering and injustice. This is a direct, divine encounter with God, and God isn’t telling him, “Trust Me, and everything will be ok.” God is telling him that no matter what, this suffering will unfold. Or even: if Avram trusts God, his offspring will be put in this position of suffering. He can do everything God says, he can do everything “right,” and horrifying things will happen.
I went to bed last night thinking about how Avram felt, filled with dread for future generations and powerless to do anything about it. He has just prayed to God about being childless, and God is rewarding him with children who will suffer long after he is dead.
I'm sort of alternating cathartic dread with pretty art here. Chava's take on Lech Lecha really resonated with me. It reminded me of the concept of "Willingness" from Dialectical Behavior Therapy. You must go forth and be willing to go through the horrifying things.
Anton Seder’s The Animal in Decorative Art (1896) — The Public Domain Review
Metaphysical Landscapes by Eliot Greenwald Illuminate the Mutuality of All Life — This Is Colossal
I've really been enjoying This is Colossal. This art on the interconnectedness of the ecosystem is so beautiful to me.
Escaping the Algorithm: Alternative News Aggregators and "In Brief" Information — I Only Know That I Know Nothing
KnowNothing has been doing a wonderful series of posts called "Escaping the Algorithm" and this latest one on finding good sources of news that don't manipulate you with misinformation is Librarian Approved™️
Terracotta mask in the shape of the head of a fox, dog, or bat
The Met's public domain image repository continues to be a delight.
Light Within — ff00ff
Multi-talented PC-headed musician ff00ff made all of their music free on bandcamp. Often a gleeful frenetic hyperactive digital delight, the lyrics to this one felt a bit more tender to me.
That's all I have for this chunk of time. I'm still working on reincorporating writing into my daily life. All of my current drafts are kind of depressing pieces on mental health and estrangement—shocking. I've also been working more on my novels, which of course do nothing for the blog.