In light of another trans woman being lost recently, I am going to share another one of the coping strategies I used to overcome my suicidal impulses back when that was something I used to struggle with.
I am very severely dairy intolerant. I have to very diligently avoid eating any dairy (even "lactose free" dairy!) when I eat dairy it hurts so much that when I got appendicitis last winter I just assumed that I must have eaten dairy and didn't go to the hospital until it lasted over 15 hours without change. The appendicitis had hurt less than how much pain I experience when I eat dairy.
So back when I was in recovery from parasuicidal1 behavior and suicidal ideation, when I was earnestly trying my best not to attempt suicide but still habitually kept feeling the urge to try, I was suggested to try something by a friend which I found to be very effective.
Every day I have to diligently avoid eating dairy. Well, if I'm going to kill myself anyway, I might as well eat a cheese pizza first. I mean, it's not like I'm going to live to experience the aftermath. If I don't care about staying alive, then why does it matter? I should treat myself to a cheese pizza before I die. Why be responsible during my final moments?
So I would redirect that self-destructive urge into ordering a small (or medium) Domino's pizza with real cheese on it. I might even put meat on top. Who cares about kashrut if you're going to die? And then I would eat the entire shitty fucking pizza in one sitting. Certainly, this was self-harm, but it was also delicious and it always stopped the impulsive drive to attempt suicide again.
First I would taste the pizza, and it was delicious, and that reminded me that a part of living also involves pleasurable experiences. Then I would feel very full and bloated, and nobody really wants to do anything when they're that full. You just wanna lay down and do nothing. So I would. And then I would get sick, and the pain would remind me that life could be worse. I would have thoughts like "I don't want to be in pain. Hurting myself sucks ass." Like sure putting out cigarettes on my hand seems all cool and romantic but it doesn't hurt nearly as bad as eating an entire small domino's cheese pizza and if I really wanted to hurt myself then that's what I'd be doing instead of giving myself tiny burns. But actually I hate it and clearly don't actually want it.
Finally, after however many hours and hours, the pain would subside. I would be totally absolutely exhausted. Far too wiped out to do anything really. Certainly not enough energy left in me to walk to the bridge or find a busy road. Suicide attempts take far too much energy and I was far too exhausted for that.
This coping skill was very effective. I stopped having Suicide Attempts and started having Terrible Pizza Moments. There was also an element of conditioning. The suicidal impulse became associated with the pain of a Terrible Pizza Moment.
This alone hardly is what cured my suicidal ideation or behavior, but it was a very good pressure release valve while I worked on the harder more complicated shit in therapy.
My depression has never been cured. To be honest. Antidepressants, mood stabilizers, building a life worth living, behavior therapy. I still am pretty baseline depressed on a regular basis. But these days, I want to live. Sometimes it feels more difficult to want to live—despite everything. But that's where I am now. I want to fucking live. I want to live so bad because I built a life worth living and shit keeps happening to interfere but g—d damnit I want to live my life I've built from rubble and scrap and blood and sweat and tears.
And I know every trans woman probably hears this all the time but I want you to live too. The world is lonelier without you. You are not destined to die before 35. We can all live to 77 like everybody else. That is so many more years to live. There are so many things that can still happen. Good things and bad things alike but there is plenty of time for life to change and be changed and to build up something better that makes you want to stay alive even if it never stops being painful to do so.
Obviously not everyone is severely dairy intolerant. I don't know what your Terrible Pizza Moment equivalent is. But here is a formula:
What is something you often want to do but don't do because it would be irresponsible? If you're about to kill yourself anyway, what good does it do to be responsible anymore? Before you go kill yourself, go indulge in that thing you don't let yourself do because it's a waste of money or makes you sick or is risky.
Redirect your self-destructive drive into self-pleasuring in ways you normally won't allow.
Do fucking anything else, honestly. Just stay alive. Give yourself more time to make things better than they are.
The world is cruel to us, but it is also we who make the world livable for us. I can't say I have tremendous hope for the future of humanity but ten years ago things were a whole lot worse for trans women on average and I don't know if things will get better but we can at least furnish the margins we live in and share in each other's warmth.
I moved to a new city. I thought my life wouldn't last too long and I moved to a new city and life got better and grew longer and longer. I get my eyebrows done by another trans woman and we talk about nails and anime.
It takes more than terrible pizza moments but if you're about to do something stupid please consider having a terrible pizza moment instead. Hell, maybe just order a pizza anyway even if you're not lactose intolerant. Get one with all the most expensive ingredients. The fancy one. And get yourself a beverage too. Do something reckless and less likely to cause you long term harm.
- "Parasuicidal" meaning essentially that I didn't have the resolve to follow through with any attempts. Halfway through every attempt I would lose that determination just enough to never cause myself any serious lasting harm. My self-preservation instinct didn't stop me from trying but it stopped me from succeeding.2 All my attempt were impulsive and not fully planned out ahead of time.2